All the mother I know how to be

How do you balance your need to reach out for help with your child's need for piracy and dignity?

I've got an 11 year old running my household with tantrums and aggression.

Birdy has always been an emotional and high maintenance child. I think if he were an only child it wouldn't be so hard, because he could be catered to. But he's not.

He's part of a family. And being part of a family means accepting compromises, taking responsibility, doing things you don't want to do and not getting to do other things you want to do. It means you sit next to people in the car.  And they touch you. It means life isn't always fair. Normal life....

Any of these can set him off. We have discovered that if left entirely alone and allowed to go hide, (sometimes for hours, or even overnight) there are no further repercussions, (as long as you don't try to talk to him about his poor choices). If I try to block him from hiding he hits, bits, scratches, head butts, and screams about how I'm torturing him, he hates me, I'm not a mother, we aren't a family and he wishes he were dead.

I changed jobs and took a hefty pay cut in part so I could be home more. I'm trying to implement more rigid routines and structure. (My own personal lack of motivation often interferes).

Meanwhile, we can't go anywhere, because he's hiding in his room... 

And then the switch flips and he's smiling while he helps with laundry, tells me dishes are his favorite, and gives me his candy, because he knows I love dark chocolate.

Cognitive behavioral therapy didn't help, we're on the waitlist for psych/developmental/ot Evals. He needs something more than I'm providing and I don't know if I'm capable of providing it.